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A journal of my various spiritual & relationship learning experiences...
Thursday, May 20, 2004
A Heavy Day of Learning...
So, times have been tough lately. Emotionally. Learned from Alex that my personal (childhood) issues are getting in the way. So, I guess I'll throw it all out there... When I was a kid, my dad was a control freak. He always wanted things done his way, and he would micro-manage you to make sure you did things to his liking. Worse, for a kid who's looking to do various things, build toys & projects, etc. - I had to get permission to get access to the new toy that was recently bought. But I would always get: later...later.... and he would continue laying in the den watching tv. So, discouraged, I would just go to my room and play with my blocks or something. This happened all of the time. Then when I would somehow coerce him to help me put something together that seemed complex at the time, he would do all of the work himself and ask me to "pass the screwdriver", etc and I would just sit there watching...waiting for my opportunity to enjoy the feeling of putting something together. It also happened when I got older. Changing the oil in the car. I HAD TO do it every 2000 miles, which went by rather quickly while driving 45-60min to school/work every day. The problem was that I never had the opportunity to enjoy the work. To get dirty and feel the challenges and triumphs of replacing the pesky oil filter. Simple stuff - but very annoying. As a child my parents ruled my world. I didn't have autonomy. I was told to do various things, but free-thinking and helping out was discouraged; for, my dad had a very short fuse. He would explode really easily, and my mom, my brother & I withstood the brunt of it. I also got in trouble ALOT, and spanked hard (with belts too) for breaking my toys. In my mind I wasn't breaking them, I was trying to learn how they worked. Most toys are not designed to be easily reverse-engineered. Other times I broke them so I could make some cool mods like what ET did to the 'speak and spell'. So, I got beaten and yelled at quite a bit for just pursuing my natural curiosities.
Fast forward to today. I'm a lazy thinker, and it's a problem. When given a problem that's difficult to take apart in my brain, I tend to freeze up because I get this overwhelming emotion that comes over me that says "If I don't do it right, or if I fuck something up - I'm going to get into deep shit!" So, the result... I end up not doing anything, to save myself from my father's wrath. Even though I have since forgiven my father, and I've told him the way I felt a few years ago (about some other traumatizing issues), these emotions are still stuck inside of my body.
I think I also crave attention. I make stupid jokes, inappropriate comments here and there. I don't think about how others may perceive me or how they would feel about some of the things that I say. I tend to react (to others, and to life). It's not too often (at home) that I think before I speak. Maybe I say these things to get some attention, albeit negative. While growing up, I didn't get the attention I feel I needed. In fact, my mom always made fun of me for being who I was. As a child with interests in the occult/esoteric sciences; girls who sometimes had bodies that were either 'too short', or 'too fat' , and other things too - I was criticized often. I was often pushed to pursue things that made my parents happy, and although they did plenty for me that made me happy. I was in an overwhelmingly negative environment most of the time, and I have a strong feeling that I have not yet let go of it.
Additionally, I'm a bad listener - but I'm working hard at it. Since joining toastmasters, I think I am improving, but the real issue is paying attention and listening MOST of the time. My mind tends to race a million miles a minute and I am constantly thinking about what I can do to succeed in life.
I'm driven by money, or more accurately - I'm driven by money, for security. I am always thinking 90% of the time about what I can do/learn about that will make life better for us in the FUTURE. Alex brings up a good point that I need to think about what needs to be done NOW FIRST. True. Driven for success, I spend most of my time reading business books(Harvey Mackay's "Beware the naked man trying to sell you a shirt" - I think), sprinkled along with my share of self-help & metaphysical books like Stuart Wilde's _Affirmations_ and 11:11 by Solara. Anyway, my mind is always racing. What to do next... what to study next... what's my next possible career change - MUST STUDY... Maybe I should do consulting on the side... MUST STUDY. Where I really should be spending my time on the stuff that needs to be done NOW. NOW NOW NOW. Like finish cleaning/repairing the property that we're trying to sell. Like taking initiative to find ways of adopting, helping my wife wade through the myriad of infertility treatment options, and most importantly - making a game plan for the NOW. Prioritizing. I tend to get scared (overwhelmed) about failure in the NOW, so I find solace in preparing for the future! Back to a kid again. If I fail in the now, then I'm get my ass whipped. So, If I don't even try, I won't fail. I'm not completely crazy about this sort of thing since I'm being transitioned into a business development role at work and all I do most of the time is knocking on doors (B2B) looking for businesses to buy our software/services. Tough work with alot of rejection, and somehow I handle it well (within reason - I do need my breaks, which is why I'm glad I'm still doing web-development, too).
Ahhh... The joy of blogging/journalling. I'm starting to feel some relief. Nice to get this stuff off of my chest.
To add more stuff to the mix, I have a craving for credit, a pat on the back. All of the time. I try to suppress my inner-need most of the time, but I probably wear my feelings on my sleeve. Self awareness is quite a challenge.
So, Alex made a good suggestion to me... for the next week, when I'm home, I'm to be quiet most of the time. I will not make stupid comments/jokes. I will not react when Alex is freaking out about her various issues (incl. me if necessary); I will not get defensive whether I'm right or wrong; I will not go chihuahua, or basically talk so fast, in rapid-fire succession when people don't answer me immediately or when I feel I'm not being listened to; I will do my best to analyze everything that is going on around me. By not talking, I will be actively listening - living in the NOW. Additionally, since I do get freaked out about security/money/the future - I will be the most aware of myself that I can possibly be. I will also change my PRIORITIES: from business to ALEX and my HOME and HOW I CAN HELP OUT AND MAKE LIFE EASIER FOR ALEX. She's working really hard, and taking care of most of the home/building stuff. I need to get past my inner-child's fears of ridicule/error and pay more attention to getting things done. I think that all of my inner turmoil makes me jumpy & snippy at times - all in reaction to my perceived notion that someone is always trying to keep me from doing my duty - to bring in more money to our household. What's the point of working hard if my home life is going to suck because of it. It's rather cliche, and the problem is recognizing your own actions. I think I tend to go on automatic mode, not paying attention to what's going on around me. One other thing that I haven't been paying attention to is that Alex can't handle me being sassy with her. I'm really doing it for fun. I think my house-guests are influencing me ('cause it's fun to sass-talk), and I know they will read this, so don't be offended - sass/trash talk is fun sometimes, I need to realize that Alex doesn't like it. She finds no humor in it for me (or at least to the extent that I've been doing it for the past few weeks). Awareness. AWARENESS IS THE KEY!!!
I've read so many books about being in the NOW (like Eckert Tolle, and others), but I find that it's really difficult to do so on a constant basis - especially when you have some inner neuroses that keep you everywhere but in the now. I'm sure I'm not alone - I think everyone had these problems, to different degrees depending upon their own state of awareness.
Anyway, I'm done for now. Time to get busy - NOW
Fast forward to today. I'm a lazy thinker, and it's a problem. When given a problem that's difficult to take apart in my brain, I tend to freeze up because I get this overwhelming emotion that comes over me that says "If I don't do it right, or if I fuck something up - I'm going to get into deep shit!" So, the result... I end up not doing anything, to save myself from my father's wrath. Even though I have since forgiven my father, and I've told him the way I felt a few years ago (about some other traumatizing issues), these emotions are still stuck inside of my body.
I think I also crave attention. I make stupid jokes, inappropriate comments here and there. I don't think about how others may perceive me or how they would feel about some of the things that I say. I tend to react (to others, and to life). It's not too often (at home) that I think before I speak. Maybe I say these things to get some attention, albeit negative. While growing up, I didn't get the attention I feel I needed. In fact, my mom always made fun of me for being who I was. As a child with interests in the occult/esoteric sciences; girls who sometimes had bodies that were either 'too short', or 'too fat' , and other things too - I was criticized often. I was often pushed to pursue things that made my parents happy, and although they did plenty for me that made me happy. I was in an overwhelmingly negative environment most of the time, and I have a strong feeling that I have not yet let go of it.
Additionally, I'm a bad listener - but I'm working hard at it. Since joining toastmasters, I think I am improving, but the real issue is paying attention and listening MOST of the time. My mind tends to race a million miles a minute and I am constantly thinking about what I can do to succeed in life.
I'm driven by money, or more accurately - I'm driven by money, for security. I am always thinking 90% of the time about what I can do/learn about that will make life better for us in the FUTURE. Alex brings up a good point that I need to think about what needs to be done NOW FIRST. True. Driven for success, I spend most of my time reading business books(Harvey Mackay's "Beware the naked man trying to sell you a shirt" - I think), sprinkled along with my share of self-help & metaphysical books like Stuart Wilde's _Affirmations_ and 11:11 by Solara. Anyway, my mind is always racing. What to do next... what to study next... what's my next possible career change - MUST STUDY... Maybe I should do consulting on the side... MUST STUDY. Where I really should be spending my time on the stuff that needs to be done NOW. NOW NOW NOW. Like finish cleaning/repairing the property that we're trying to sell. Like taking initiative to find ways of adopting, helping my wife wade through the myriad of infertility treatment options, and most importantly - making a game plan for the NOW. Prioritizing. I tend to get scared (overwhelmed) about failure in the NOW, so I find solace in preparing for the future! Back to a kid again. If I fail in the now, then I'm get my ass whipped. So, If I don't even try, I won't fail. I'm not completely crazy about this sort of thing since I'm being transitioned into a business development role at work and all I do most of the time is knocking on doors (B2B) looking for businesses to buy our software/services. Tough work with alot of rejection, and somehow I handle it well (within reason - I do need my breaks, which is why I'm glad I'm still doing web-development, too).
Ahhh... The joy of blogging/journalling. I'm starting to feel some relief. Nice to get this stuff off of my chest.
To add more stuff to the mix, I have a craving for credit, a pat on the back. All of the time. I try to suppress my inner-need most of the time, but I probably wear my feelings on my sleeve. Self awareness is quite a challenge.
So, Alex made a good suggestion to me... for the next week, when I'm home, I'm to be quiet most of the time. I will not make stupid comments/jokes. I will not react when Alex is freaking out about her various issues (incl. me if necessary); I will not get defensive whether I'm right or wrong; I will not go chihuahua, or basically talk so fast, in rapid-fire succession when people don't answer me immediately or when I feel I'm not being listened to; I will do my best to analyze everything that is going on around me. By not talking, I will be actively listening - living in the NOW. Additionally, since I do get freaked out about security/money/the future - I will be the most aware of myself that I can possibly be. I will also change my PRIORITIES: from business to ALEX and my HOME and HOW I CAN HELP OUT AND MAKE LIFE EASIER FOR ALEX. She's working really hard, and taking care of most of the home/building stuff. I need to get past my inner-child's fears of ridicule/error and pay more attention to getting things done. I think that all of my inner turmoil makes me jumpy & snippy at times - all in reaction to my perceived notion that someone is always trying to keep me from doing my duty - to bring in more money to our household. What's the point of working hard if my home life is going to suck because of it. It's rather cliche, and the problem is recognizing your own actions. I think I tend to go on automatic mode, not paying attention to what's going on around me. One other thing that I haven't been paying attention to is that Alex can't handle me being sassy with her. I'm really doing it for fun. I think my house-guests are influencing me ('cause it's fun to sass-talk), and I know they will read this, so don't be offended - sass/trash talk is fun sometimes, I need to realize that Alex doesn't like it. She finds no humor in it for me (or at least to the extent that I've been doing it for the past few weeks). Awareness. AWARENESS IS THE KEY!!!
I've read so many books about being in the NOW (like Eckert Tolle, and others), but I find that it's really difficult to do so on a constant basis - especially when you have some inner neuroses that keep you everywhere but in the now. I'm sure I'm not alone - I think everyone had these problems, to different degrees depending upon their own state of awareness.
Anyway, I'm done for now. Time to get busy - NOW
